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potential issues with adoption reunion

There are a variety of issues that can occur during an adoption reunion or search. Very few people are rejected outright but this is everyone’s greatest fear. Sometimes it is the very thing that keeps people from ever pursuing a family member search.

Rejection may occur because of present relationships or trauma. There may even be anger. This could happen years later and is often the result of resentment and different lifestyles.

In my recent journey to visit with my birth family (whom I have know for 15 years),our differences caused rifts. Anger was certainly expressed by both parties, but a lot of love, caring and kindness also took place. These are not unsurmountable but certainly both parties are feeling pain and rejection. I will keep my heart open to move forward and apologize for my role in whatever issues we had.

Forgiveness instead of hatred is always the best path.

Preparing yourself for rejection should not be overlooked. If you are rejected, counseling and family support is highly recommended. Don’t be stoic. Help will heal you faster.

Sometimes you will only get a partial rejection. For instance you may meet other family members that are very anxious to have you in their lives. Or vice versa. The rejection may only be for a period of time while an adjustment takes place.

There are many outcomes from a reunion. As your normal life takes over some of these things will occur. Know that it is likely that you can rebuild a relationship like with any relationship, if you are willing to put the effort in. This may not always be the case but the chances increase with the greater effort. It takes effort from both parties.

distancing

After the emotions have worn off, or if they remain too tense for a long time, one or both members may not be able to handle it. Other parts of life may be a precedent for the moment. It is possible to renew at another time. Sometimes this will not occur. After a while you may in fact drift apart or the whole thing may be too overwhelming. At this point, casual or no contact may be prudent but don’t give up and never let anger take over.

Balance life with existing ties and new bonds may be quite a juggle. Keep practicing and respect each other and your boundaries. It is recommended not to test the relationship, something that healthy, confident people shouldn’t need to do. There will be a lot of emotion and maybe even time that has happened for the whole adoption search process.

Pace yourself. Rome wasn’t built in a day and nor will your relationship.

3 Responses to potential issues with adoption reunion

  1. [...] Today’s post can be found over at cope with life: potential issues with adoption reunion [...]

  2. my daughter that i gave up,contacted me over yr and half,we email,said she was mad to meet me,i said no prob she could
    come and meet me or i go and meet her,as she on hols now and be back at work soon,but i havent heard from her,i said i was nervous too,and not to be afraid,she seem so eager.i dont get it.its like she takes time to process things which is good,but seems to blow hot and cold.what you think.she not married,shes 27,and has time, only 60miles between us.

  3. Cath…without details on the adoption or life your daughter has had up until she was 27 it is hard to ascertain what is going through her mind and heart. Perhaps she’s nervous and like everyone dealing with life, debt, social issues, skeletons, work and relationships.

    Sometimes we just aren’t ready. It takes courage to meet up and whether she has the time or not, it may be very frightening for her. Many adopted children have problems with trust and bonding, so communication and relationships are hard. This stems from what is called attachment issues.

    Be patient. Be understanding. Be loving.

    It will happen, when it is meant to happen and that is when everyone is ready. I know it’s hard to wait. You are anxious, perplexed and long to see your child but it may take several more courageous steps for her to be ready. Hang tight and take solace that she has taken the first step to call you, which means she is thinking about you and curious to learn more.

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