Spring brings about change…

Like the changes you are seeing on the site. I told you they were coming along with (Lessons In Life) LiL Helpers, a free mini course with actions to help you cope with life. I wish I’d learnt some of them sooner.  Look for the sign up form soon. Did I mention it is free and hopefully coming in June.

You see, I’ve been going through various changing too.

If you don’t know already, I’ve moved off grid and my focus is “survival” right now. Blogging and writing is secondary as I get my new tiny home set up, a 1978 18foot RV.

Quite a change.

Change is something each of us needs to face. It shakes things up and brings hope, challenges and new found motivation. If we sit in one place, in fear of change it will smother and suffocate. so you can get you

To learn how to cope with depression and anxiety, change is a paramount step.

This happened to be my dream but I waited for 15 years to make it happen. If I had jumped at the opportunity earlier, I could have achieved it sooner.

See what holding back can do. There is no time like today to face change and make the things you want happen by taking action.

I’ve taken my step. Are you ready to take yours?

It has been a while since our last lesson from Aesop.

The Hares and The Frogs

The Hares were so persecuted by the other beasts, they did not know where to go. As soon as they saw a single animal at has been a while since our last lesson from Aesop. 
The Hares and the Frogs

"There is always someone worse off than yourself."

If you are reading this, it is likely, you are one of the lucky ones in the world. There is always someone better off than yourself.

That lesson is one I always try to pay attention to.

When I was depressed, it seemed I always thought other people were lucky. I wondered why things were so bad for me.
The reality is things were not bad.

It was my perception.

I had put it in my mind and it was solely up to me to realize that it was my job to remove it and be thankful for what I had and where I was.
Next time you are feeling badly, consider just how luck you are. There is always someone worse off than yourself.

A change in your outlook will change how you perceive your situation.

Sometimes it’s time to slow down or stop what you are doing to take care of other things.

For the next few weeks, I’ll be doing just that. Slowing down.

My body has been fighting a cold, which is thankfully gone, battled with a sore knee the week before that and I have been preparing for one of the biggest challenges in my life.

I’m moving off grid.

You can read more about my off grid adventure over at simply stephen.

Don’t worry, I’ll still be blogging several times a month and working on other useful tools and content for you but…in the meantime…

I am slowing down.

Sometimes, you should too.

Some of you may be aware of my other blog, simply stephen, about green simple living.

Simplicity and green living go hand in hand. It helps reduce stress, depression and anxiety. They are a match made in heaven.

Here’s why.

1. conscious consumption – green living and simplicity are about making active, deliberate decisions. If you are aware of the choices you make, you will slowly become aware of the things that effect you. As your consumption is reduced so is the need to maintain it and all the stress to go with it.
2. passion & purpose – discovering a single (or small handful) purpose of simple activities that make you feel alive will help you regain or maintain a happy ballance in life.
3. exercise – being outdoors for a walk or participating in green activities helps keep an active and healthy body allowing more oxygen to feed the brain. In turn you will feel less tired and have a greater ability to handle obstacles.
4. save money – trying to be green and embracing the simple things in life helps your budget. Instead of consumption the focus is put on doing it yourself, growing it yourself, keeping things from ending up in the waste cycle. You will learn to eliminate so many things you never knew you didn’t really need. Over time your wallet will grow and less bills means less stress.
5. less harmful products – toxins in our homes are causing many health problems. If you eliminate the ones that are most dangerous and replace them with green (often cheaper) alternatives your health will immediately improve and continue to do so over time. Who doesn’t want that for their family?
6. healthier eating – less meat, more organic and natural alternatives are just some of the ways to reduce toxins in your body. Eliminating processed foods, bottled water and harsh products from your food cycle will make you aware of what goes into your body and how it effects you. Starting to make your food from scratch is also a fulfilling pastime that can connect couples and feed you with passion and purpose.
7. community – green living is about connecting with neighbours, friends and community. It’s about reaching out and being a part of the greater good. Something to feed you with vibrance and a sense of belonging.
8. personal growth – if you start to make changes in your life you will start to grow in places you never thought possible. Growth and change help you to feel good about yourself and the world around you.
9. one with nature – green living and simplicity go hand in hand with nature. The sights and sounds of nature are very therapeutic. Knowing your lifestyle is conserving the water, forest, air, wildlife and ultimately everyone in our delicate eco-system is reason enough to feel good.
10. slow down – one aspect of green living is the slow movement, where people take the time to enjoy the world around them, in particular food and family. Less work, more deliberate living equals less stress.

Green living is not just about the environment. There are so many aspects of it.

It’s good for your health. It’s good for your energy level. It’s good for your wallet.

And…

… it’s good for your mental health.

Explore your options on how to live a more green, simple, purposeful and enjoyable life. Visit simply stephen to learn more.

I promise it will make a difference to the stresses and depression you are currently feeling.

For those of you that don’t know, I’m heavily into sustainable, low impact, location independent living. I think a green lifestyle contributes greatly to better mental health.

I usually try to get a couple posts a week in but I’m in the middle of transitioning to an off grid lifestyle.

No Power. No Internet. No Water. No Toilet.

At least for the time being.

In the meantime, I’ll be going to the library to get my blog posts done and have to delay the free weekly eCourse, LiL Helpers – but don’t despair it will be coming shortly when I get a handle on things.

I’ve had to spend the last several weeks in preparation. I’m downsizing and retooling for the move. You can learn more about it over at my other site simply stephen where I reference it all the time because I talk about green simple living. Recently I talked about how the long and winding off grid road to keep everybody updated.

I’ll probably have a handle of things by the end of May but with summer projects keeping me busy expect to see about one blog post every week instead of the usual two. I prefer the quality over quantity approach anyway.

Thanks for understanding and please give me a shout and let me know what you want to hear about.

There’s an expression “when life deals you lemons, make lemonade” and today it seemed fitting for me to write about it.

If something is sour you need to sweeten it.

Life works like that too.

It deals you all sorts of surprises and you have to work with them instead of fighting against them.

I have tons on my plate this month. I’m getting ready to go off grid, trying to find the right supplies for my new home (a 1978 RV), minimizing my stuff and getting all my technology needs and internet chores out of the way because…next month I’ll be limited to library and internet cafe access to get all my blogging and phone calls done.

This winter it was hard to concentrate and get work done in an environment where my landlords where going through a bitter “divorce” and so on.

But…I plodded on.

It was just the way it was going to be.

I looked at it as a lesson in tolerance, patience and understanding.

It was motivating too. An affirmation of my choice – buying an RV was a good one.

It will increase my level of privacy, improve the sanity factor and expose me to beautiful surroundings.

Sure enough all of that patience has paid off and I’m piecing things together nicely.

There are set backs. I’ve had some surprise bills this month and today I had to deal with a bank error that means I have to call 4 organizations to get it fixed. Two down, two to go. It will waste about 10 hours of my time. Time better spent working on web stuff or writing.

Anywhooo….it’s just life. The practice dealing with large bureaucratic organizations will help me gain a greater understanding of what standards I want to have in place and how I want to deal with things in the future. Again…motivational.

Stuff is going to happen…again….and again…and again.

It’s out of our control and it will pass before you know it.

Life is fleeting and events are temporary.

No need to hit rock bottom because of the small stuff.

What I’m trying to say with all of this is “this too shall pass”.

It will and with each new day don’t think about something to worry about, instead consider what there is something to look forward to,

Sometimes, I need to take my advice a little more effectively but…I’m trying. You can too.

Reality is really the same for introverts and extroverts. As Susan Cain points out two people might equally like bruschetta but the introvert might say it is good, while the extrovert might say it’s the best thing ever. The difference is the introverts might fear the extroverts thinks they are “too serious”, while the extroverts worry that introverts think they are “too much” or “too silly”.

Neither is wrong. Perception is everything.

Both are just different. Yin and Yang. Mars and Venus.

Here’s some subtle (or actually quite obvious) differences:

1. Introverts like to get to the point and don’t like small talk. That’s fun for extroverts and they can get put off by direct approach.
2. Introverts like to use indirect methods of communication to get things done, extroverts love to chat about it.
3. Introverts need time to respond to in depth questions while extroverts want quick general answers.
4. The word alone means lonely to a extrovert but and introvert views it as bliss – peace and quiet, a time to recharge.
5. Bored might mean not busy to an extrovert but for an introvert it could mean they can’t escape a social gathering.
6. A friend is someone who will keep you company to an extrovert but to an introvert it’s someone that knows when you need to be left alone.
7. Free time for an extrovert is a time to socialize with a group of friends and family but for an introvert is time to relax, read a book, recharge or have a quiet interaction with a close friend.
8. Home is a haven for the introvert but the extrovert may see it as a place to entertain.
9. The phone is a lifeline to connect and communicate for the extrovert but may be a distraction, interruption or necessary tool for the introvert.
10. Going out is something that can be done alone for the introvert, maybe a quiet walk but usually involves getting together with people for the extrovert.
11. Introverts love to read information to digest it and formulate and answer while the extrovert likes to talk it out.
12. An introvert wants to do something new on their own time without an audience, an extrovert thinks everyone should see them in action.
13. Introverts like to work independently, even if they are part of a team but an extrovert likes to work with the team.
14. An introvert usually learns by watching and mentally rehearsing while and extrovert may jump right in.
15. An extrovert may get excited about trends or new gadgets and be more likely to give in to peer pressure while an introvert could be the one creating or avoiding it.
16. An introvert climbs the mountain alone while the extrovert goes with a expedition team – who is more bold?

I’m sorry if in any way, I have slanted them towards the introvert. I can’t help it and was trying to be as impartial as I could.

Neither way is right or wrong. Both perceptions are the reality of both personality types.

To understand the introvert or extrovert better, we need to look at those realities and respect them.

The other side of the coin is different. You are heads, I am tails. It’s not two sided.

Next time we are interacting with someone, be sure to make a mental not of how they react. Mark note if they are an introvert or extrovert and then you will understand why they may see the world through different lenses.

With spring arriving I’m veering away from talking directly about depression and anxiety. Now, we will explore other aspects of life including introversion, anger, abuse and virtues for personal growth.

Virtues and habits are important parts of healing and moving forward.

Speaking of moving forward, some of you may be aware that I am launching a new eCourse this spring.

It’s called LiL (Lessons in Life) Helpers which consist of small and large random lessons to be learned in life. Some of them are worth learning earlier. It’s a simple weekly email format in no particular order with quick explanation – problem – solution – extra resources type format.

I should be ready to implement in the next few weeks. Be patient. Please offer feedback when I launch so I can make changes and improve the course.

Did I mention it’s free?

Did I mention it’s special material full of good stuff designed especially for you?

I’m excited. I think it will be a great benefit to anybody struggling with life and those just wanting to improve it.

I’d like to point out that my ability to work in chaos seems to have increased tenfold. The couple I rent a room with are going through a nasty divorce and I’ve been caught in the middle. It hasn’t been a very conducive environment for an introverted writer recovering from depression and anxiety (to be general).

I have, however managed to maintain focus and move forward at quite a fast pace.

I am also preparing myself for a big life change and another announcement (that I’ve mentioned before). I bought a small RV in the Fall. I’ll be moving into it on May 1st. I’m actually not driving it around but rather parking it and using it as a stationary home.

My own four walls. Private and contained. Affordable.

It’s a life long dream to have this kind of lifestyle in nature with half the year in Canada and now I will be prepping to spend winter in a different country each year learning about new cultures and languages. It also gives me a chance to see my daughter in England every year on the way to my travels (or she can join me).

This is very exciting for me. Two launches in one month – one into my own space and the other a new product to help you cope with life.

Other stuff. You may have noticed changes going on. There are going to be quite a few new pages and resources going up on top of the regular articles. One of my motto’s “slow like turtle” is in play. I’d rather take my time, simplify and get the right resources and words up than rush it and diminish the quality.

There will be a new theme and subtle changes along with the (Lessong in Life) LiL Helpers launch.

Early this year I promised to try and create some more community and participate in social media more often. I even said I’d spend at least one hour a day for a month on social media.

I’ve done this!

You can find me on Twitter @LiLHelpers and here on Google Plus. If you want to see great resources check out my bookmarks on Delicious for high quality, relatively well tagged and maintained sources.

I explored several other social medias, and may randomly participate, but I’m not currently expanding beyond the three mentioned above. The reason – pure and simple, my philosophy is one of simplicity. I’m also not exceptionally social.

I will  have diminished Internet access when I go permanently mobile this spring and picked social media that maximized my use of time.

There is one other place I’d like to encourage all of you to participate. In the comment section. I’d love to get the conversation going with many of you. I know you are reading. I want to interact. I turned them off for a while to reduce spam and give me focus but I am quite happy to deal with the tech aspects.

So…please leave your comments. Share them with others. Subscribe to the site. Keep yourself updated and get articles in your email or with the RSS subscription.

I’m serious about mental health, the stigma and helping you, every day individuals, cope with life. I want to help as many people as possible. I know it’s possible to get out from rock bottom and want to prevent as many of you from reaching it.

A positive happy life is possible.

This post started out as an angry rant.

I took the time to simmer down and think about the very simple message I am trying to relay. It’s a message similar to bullying and mental health stigma. It strongly needs to be shared around the web and passed on. At the very least it deserves a debate or discussion.

Why do so many self help, success gurus, managers, leaders, etc. encourage people to dump friends that aren’t positive or contributing to your life?

To only hang around positive people and experiences. That sounds good, right?

Wrong!

start looking for truth in that message

It is actually sending another message.

One that causes harm.

Possibly suicide.

And it definitely contributes to depression, stress and anxiety.

If 1 million people take this advice and essentially abandon (let’s say 5) a friendship that’s 1 million lives that may improve and 5 million lives that may become worse. That’s a negative gain of 4 million. The reality is tens or hundreds of millions are taking the advice at some level.

The truth is it promotes hate not positivity.

In essence, it tells you to abandon the people around you. Ones that have invested time in you. Ones that have cared and helped you at some point in their lives. That’s the true message.

It’s prevalent.

It’s not about surrounding yourself with positive people when you say you should abandon your negative influences. It’s a narcissistic attitude. One of greed and self gratification. It portrays success is great at any cost.

The cost of someone’s life?

The cost of their happiness?

The cost of friendship?

there is another way

I think most of you are kind and caring. I think people lose their way. Some people never get the right environment to promote growth and happiness.

That’s where you come in.

If someone is hurting…

If someone has been through a trauma (and you may not know about it because they are proud, stoic or ashamed)…

If someone has been abused…

If someone is going through a divorce or breakup…

If someone is going through a sickness (and mental health is one of many)…

If someone is a little negative…

If someone is shy…

If someone is not as much of an achiever as you…

If someone is not quite as social as you…

If someone is “insert problem here”…

…and so on.

Do they deserve any less friendship, empathy, love and opportunity?

NO.

They need you the most. More than ever.

Your integrity has a chance to shine. They will never forget it.

Instead of running away from their negative vibes try to teach them how to be positive.

Show them what it means to love and care.

Let them feel they can trust someone again.

Never give up on them.

The problem with this advice is that it really isolates the people not strong enough to hold themselves up. The ones without the support groups in place.

Sure there are negative people and bad influence…but learn to discern.

It does not have to be such a dog eat dog world out there. And you don’t have to contribute to it.

It’s apathy.

It’s cold.

It’s self serving.

Instead….

…try reaching out and quit following such bad advice.

Sure, it’s great to surround yourself with people that are positive. It’s wonderful to succeed. But at what cost?

Before you make a choice to serve your needs, think about the possible harm in your actions. That way, you know in your heart of hearts if the decision is a good one.

It’s not often I push to have my audience share a message but today I am asking.

If you or someone you love has been abandoned by people reaching for the stars…spread the word of this message to think twice and be nice.

Please use the hashtag #change to retweet. Ask your audience to retweet or share on any and all social media.

Recently we introduced you to virtues as a starting point for happiness. Developing an arsenal of virtues might sound like a daunting task. Maybe it sounds righteous.

Believe me, it’s not.

It’s a foundation for so much more life.

Your life.

It’s a good source of healing.

It reduces stress and eliminates conflict.

Everyone needs building blocks to work with and everyone has them. Your experiences and influences have shaped you. You can grow by developing your foundation.

Those virtues are actually strengths.

They are values you possess. You have since you were young.You just didn’t know it.

Your values shape how you make decisions and tell you what is important.

Before you explore new virtues or develop ones to help with your specific issues, it’s important to discover your existing values and beliefs.

That will help emphasize what you are good at. That will help build your confidence and esteem.

It points out the gaps for you to work on.

Beliefs can change. You are the one in control.

By discovering your authentic self it will contribute to a healthier attitude. You can focus on the person you want to be.

Once you know your values and beliefs you can practice them.

You will need to test for your values and beliefs.

There are tests you can take online but I found the easiest way to determine my values was through elimination. I started out with a list of 300+ virtues and put the ones that resonated with me in a list. I was left with about 100. I then narrowed that down to about 30 and put them in order. I’ll share that with you another time.

Go ahead. Grab a pen and paper.

Here’s a link to a list of over 400 virtues, values, strengths, beliefs.

http://www.thoughtful-self-improvement.com/Values_list.html

Once I discovered mine, I a much better understanding of why they were important to me. I was able to strengthen my core beliefs even more.

I was also able to work on less prominent and important ones to develop and strengthen my character.

I’m not stopping until I’ve worked on them all.

Now that you’ve discovered your set of values and beliefs, start looking at the ones you can improve immediately. The things you are good at. Master them.

Then…

Pick one that will help you focus on a specific issue. Don’t take on too many at once…just small steps with a focused effort. In a couple years you will probably be a mini-master in a couple dozen virtues.

Last week we talked about how to find the perfect living solution for introverts if you can’t afford to buy or rent your own place.

I hope you found it useful.

Today, as complementary article, I figured we should take a look at the warning signs to prevent you from getting the room mate, landlord or location from hell. I’m here to help. I want to keep you out of any traps.

If you are struggling financially or desperate to find a place to live please don’t let it get in the way of your sanity.

Do yourself a favour and find a way to make it happen.

Maybe you are introverted.

A writer.

Have medical issues (like depression or anxiety).

Work hard and want to relax when you come home.

There are so many reasons you may want a great location to live. Besides the obvious. We all deserve a nice environment to relax. We all want to enjoy our home when we are not at work or play.

In the past 25 years I’ve lived in many places and had lots of room mates.

Some good. Some…well, not so good.

These clues will give you some insights to what you might want to avoid.

1. musicians – I’m a musician, but when it comes to living arrangements, unless you want a party house or to be interrupted at all hours of the day it is not ideal to live with a musician or music freak. The music usually starts at the exact moment you are about to take a nap or have prepared yourself for some creative writing. All is usually lost at this time. At least find someone with the same musical tastes or you will constantly be exposed to sounds you may not want to hear.
2. video gamers – truthfully, playing video games is a complete waste of life. Sorry for the judgement but it’s an addiction worse than booze, cigarettes and drugs. Living with a gamer is just like living with someone that has an addiction. You can expect loud noises, ones that wake you up in the middle of the night. They lose track of time, can have poor hygiene and stop picking up after themselves. They are also very focused and you will have a hard time getting anything from them – like rent, cleaning up, participation. Anything.
3. hoarders – if you walk into a place that is full of stuff. Turn around and walk out. This place will be a constant mess. More stuff will keep showing up. It’s another addiction. A cluttered home is a cluttered environment. One that distracts. If they give you a hint that the room won’t fit their stuff and they want storage, it’s best to realize that stuff will trickle in to the common areas of the house.
4. pets – now I love animals but living with someone that owns them is a crap shoot. Here’s some of the things you will have to contend with. Meow. Woof. Feed Me. Walk me. Let me out. Clean up after me. Let me sleep on your bed. Do you want to have guests around me. That’s just a few. I worked in the animal industry for a decade and most people get pets to satisfy themselves without really taking proper care of them.
5. larger people – I’m trying to be as gentle as possible on this one but I’ve lived with people that are unhealthy and their habits are not exactly to die for. Expect a mess. Dirty dishes. Snoring. Poor hygiene. Loud footsteps. Lack of ability or motivation to do chores due to health and habits. They may be your typical couch potato.
6. the slob – you will notice this one right away. They might look messy themselves. All the usual things will happen. Stuff everywhere. Dirty Dishes. Bugs…we’ll end there.
7. the neat freak – on the opposite note, this person will be a little bit too anal. They will nit pick about everything. (maybe that’s me but I am much more accepting now). On the flip side, a super neat and tidy place could be the sign that they just cleaned it up because you were coming to visit. Try to look for a balance, a lived in look.
8. the pervert – I’m just saying. It might seem funny. At first. After a while it gets trying.
9. fancy car – if they can afford a fancy car, all decked out you know where their priorities lie. It’s about attracting things. It also means they might have a fancy stereo and the whole works. Could be a bit overwhelming.
10. complainer – when your first conversation with someone involves a complaint about past tenants or room mates it should trigger a big warning sign. What are they going to say about you? Is this going to happen all the time? Do you want to listen to the drama?
11. drama queen – that leads to the roomie that makes everything a big deal. Tiring. You bet. Expect lots of it.
12. borrower / food stealer – Usually this type of person borrows but never replaces or returns it. Many times if they break something, it is not likely to be repaired or replaced. Difficult to spot these people but if you talk to the current tenants you may find out.
13. prince or princess – if someone is all fancied up and looks like they preen themselves a bit too much they are probably full of ego and possibly drama. You will probably have someone that spends a lot of time in the bathroom, leaves a mess and is constantly worried about what everyone thinks…that means they will want your input. You’ll also have to smell all those chemicals and beauty products.
14. the story teller – this may be entertaining. I’ve lived with many people that had great life experiences. It was interesting. Sometimes. Other times, it’s just too much. If someone walks in and starts sharing stories…maybe, you want to consider if you want to hear them all the time.
15. settle in – if someone makes themselves really comfortable, it may be a sign they are going to take over your common living space and move right in. the make themselves at home. A bit too much at home.
16. the righteous – moving in with little miss or mister goody two shoes is tough. Eventually, you will be the target of their judgements. Someone that comes across as perfect and wanting everyone else to be is likely to be a control freak and may make your life miserable. When you have guests they may not like to be around.
17. control freak – speaking of control freak. This is the hardest person to live with. You will never get peace because something will always have to be adjusted. That will take your time and energy. Warning signs include landlords or people that have a lot of rules or restrictions and may want you to do things a certain way..
18. priced too low – ask yourself why it is priced so low if it seems like a nice place. External noise. Awful room mates. Older house. Cold. There might be a logical answer but find out why.
19. lonely people – these ones may come in and like the story teller offer it up to you. They need company. Guess whose? Yours. Move along.
20. repeating ad – Is this an advertisement that you see again and again? If you see this it’s usually because the landlord / tenants are picky, asking too much, don’t have the best living arrangement and a list of problems. They either can’t attract or keep tenants.
21. landlord specials – much like the above, it’s probably because they can’t rent it.. Basements?
22. one bathroom – unless you are only sharing with one other person, make sure there are more than one full bathroom. Ask them how often they have overnight guests and when they get ready for work too.
23. railway track – or any station will generally be a noisy area. You might hear the trains but you will also hear the traffic getting to and from the station.
24. party hearty – nuff said. If they tell you they are social and have parties you know. If they say they are quiet, question it a little more. That is usually a cover up.
25. couch potato – hard to figure out who fits here. Many of the warnings I’ve mentioned above could easily slide into this category. If you show up and someone else seems comfortably settled on the couch, it could be a regular thing.
26. smelly nelly – this one, you will notice. And you will notice it when they move in too.
27. parents – sad but true, if their parents drop them off and check out the place, they may be a little too green. The parents might interfere a lot too. If you want someone to pamper and support this is the ideal room mate.
28. avoid the thief – sounds obvious but hard to spot. A credit check could help here.
29. broke – if they point out that things are tight, it may mean they are always going to be late on the rent or trying to extract more money from you. Could also mean they really don’t want a room mate but have to have one. This type may resent you being there and will treat you accordingly. It’s also a sure thing that they will borrow and never return.
30. just divorced – or separated, which means they may be sad, needy and need an extra ear. They could get angry or sad. All the time.
31. loungers – if someone is sleeping in one of the rooms when you arrive, they are probably always sleeping. This means you have to walk around on eggshells all the time. They could be a sloth too, which means mess.
32. sex addicts or sluts – hard to tell on this one but do you want to hear it? How they dress or talk could give you a hint.
33. spidey sense – trust your intuition. If it feels too good to be true, dig deeper. Ask questions. Don’t be afraid to walk away.

There’s tons more…it’s just they trickled out of my little mind. Maybe I’ll add them later on.

Most importantly. Do your research. Look for the warning signs. Know what you are getting into and learn the laws and regulations too so you can always guarantee a decent quality of life in your living quarters.

Signing out. Happy seeking.

Note – this mini guide can be used by anyone looking for a room mate but it is geared towards an introverted mind. Someone who needs down time to recharge and may not be looking for a crowded, busy house.

Finding great room mates is tough.

As an introvert, I’ve found that the best option is to live alone.

You still need to find convenient and safe neighbourhoods. One you like.

But you may be limited to choosing a building with other tenants or a house with neighbours close by.

I’m lucky…I live in the country. It’s usually peaceful but I still live with people that aren’t the most considerate and silent people.

My solution was to buy a RV (recreational vehicle), not to drive it about but to find a peaceful location for 6 months of the year with my own four walls. That happens in May.

I’m a minimalist. I can fit all my stuff in one car load. I can pack in a matter of hours.

That leaves me with the option of looking for short term solutions, such as temporary accommodation or house sitting.

If you freelance and work independently your location is less important.

As a forty something male writer, I have often secured a longer term house sitting solution. There are house sitting websites to assist you. One of the best one is housecarers and you can find long term solutions.

The options above may not be available (or right) for you.

And unless you are independently wealthy or have a great job it might not always be possible.

You might need to live with other people.

So that leaves you with looking for a nice place to live.

first things first

Start with what introverts do best.

Introspection.

Get a pen and paper, or if you are environmentally conscious like me, use your computer.

I’ll wait.

You’re back now. Let’s get started.

You need to take the time to discover what is important to you which includes answers to the following questions:

1. What type of a room mate do you want? Be specific. Define the qualities of a good room mate. Age. Sex. Relationship status. Introverted. Maturity. Etc.
2. What are your interests, values and beliefs? This is important. Finding out what you are interested in and what you value or believe will help you focus on the ideal room mate.
3. What are your interpersonal skills like? And theirs? Make sure you both have communication styles, learning and interactions that won’t conflict.
4. What things are non negotiable in a living arrangement? Private bathroom. Clean kitchen. No visitors. Pets. Quiet environment.
5. Can you land a rental agreement that gives you the lease to sublet rooms on your terms? If you can do this it allows for short term arrangements. You can test the waters to screen for a longer term room mate.
6. Can you describe yourself? Use your inventory to articulate your behaviours, traits and a typical week in your life…this honest evaluation will paint a better picture for you and your potential mate.

strong suggestions

Once you are done with your assessment, it’s time to move on to the nitty gritty. You’ve addressed what you are looking for in a room mate and what you are offering. Now you need to find your location and ideal person to live with.

1. nice location – a great ‘hood can often provide solace. Maybe it’s close to work to reduce the stress of travel (with all those people on the bus) or maybe it’s close to your friends or favourite places to visit. If it’s expensive, finding something close by to one of those areas can get you more bang for your buck and make your life a lot more pleasant.
2. like minds – you have done an assessment of interests but also consider looking to live with another introvert
3. writers – while quirky, if you are a writer you may want to look for other writers or people with a quiet disposition because it will feel familiar and you will understand some of the basic needs you both have.
4. avoid people you know – do not attempt to live with friends, friends of friends, family or coworkers. If there are problems or financial issues it will avoid an awkward situation.
5. courtesy agreement – consider writing out or creating a courtesy agreement contract to both honour if it isn’t working out or to resolve without conflict. This also raises awareness up front for the type of people you both want to live with and indicates a willingness to create a comfortable and courteous environment.
6. define everyone’s roll – what get done by whom?Who is responsible for rent, utilities, food, what gets shared, what space is communal, guests, noise, cleaning, etc? The more defined, the easier it is to address if there is an issue.
7. absentee room mate – these are sometimes the best ones to have. Look for a room mate that has a job that takes them away often … the obvious is a airline worker. Do some research and advertise for people in these types of jobs. You may even want to go to a company that provides that type of work and advertise on their bulletin board or website if it is available.
8. sleep habits – find out if they are night owls or early risers
9. personal situation – find out if they have kids, a partner and guests on a regular basis – define it.
10. web search – do an internet search on them…this will provide you with a good insight and often paint a picture or discover some interesting activities or things they have achieved.
11. credit check – consider a credit check, this will fill you in on reliability and type of character.

Lots of work.

Sure.

But it’s worth it, considering you are looking at an arrangement to share your living environment. Somewhere you may spend most of your time.

It’s a good idea to take the energy now rather than expend it later looking all over again.

points to ponder

As an addendum, it’s important to be realistic.

If money or your job force you to look for a situation where you share, realize it may rarely be perfect. Compromise is going to happen. Don’t forget to look at some of the other things that make a place liveable:

1. Look at the space…is it enough? What about the common areas?
2. Is your room close to a traffic area in the house?
3. Is it private?
4. Are the walls thin?
5. Is it clean?
6. Is it secure?
7. Do they smoke or drink?
8. Do they have a partner over all the time?
9. Do they talk on the phone a lot? That means you might hear it all the time
10. Are they musicians?
11. Do they play loud music…is it the same music you like?
12. Are they minimal…do they consume? If so they may have a lot of stuff lying around.
13. Do they cook…and do they clean up?
14. Is there a dishwasher (green or not clean dishes are one of the biggest things people get upset about)
15. Are they smelly?
16. Will they replace things they damage or take?
17. Are they considerate?

Ask those questions.

And more…

The more you can do your research the better chance you have of settling in to your ideal (or at least close to ideal) living arrangement.

By knowing everything you need to know about how you want to live you can pinpoint the exact home and person you want to live with.

In the next article, I’ve decided to explore the type of room mates anyone should avoid?

Positive people lead a much happier, healthier life.

While positivity is one key to healing your heart, helping with your depression and hastening your path from rock bottom, there are many virtues to help lead a better life.

Life involves personal growth.

Building character.

Creating a solid foundation.

Philosophers have debated the value of virtues for thousands of years. Religion has discussed them in scripture and sermon. Organizations have incorporated them to develop business and people. Great minds have listed them as secrets to their success.

Regardless of motive, there is no doubt, every virtue added to your arsenal increases your chance of success and happiness.

With virtue and experience comes wisdom.

Powerful tools.

It opens up windows of opportunity and in the same breath removes you from the trap of insanity.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results ` Albert Einstein

the anti-virtue

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

The same is true for virtues.

Each obstacle you face is correlated to one (or several) of your behaviours. Those actions are the ones causing your pain or harm.

These are harmful character traits or anti-virtues. They exist in the form of negativity, anger, hate, jealousy, greed and so forth. (This deserves a full article and resource area).

Each of them have an antidote.

There is a formula just for you. A special recipe based on your problems and behaviours.

To heal it’s important to start learning the virtues directly related to your issue(s). Sure, you still need to understand and explore your issues but you need to attack them from many different angles.

You need to grow. Staying in the same spot isn’t helping you.

You need to change what isn’t working.

Fear not.

Developing a combination of virtues, depending on how well you master them, will help alleviate or eliminate one or many of your issues.

Obviously, the more virtuous you become, the better your life will be, since eliminating the source of frustration will make an immediate impact.

Pretty overwhelming?

It doesn’t need to be. It’s possible you are trying to do too much.

Small chunks work best.

Focus on one virtue. Then move on to the next.

Notice how I said “focus on the virtue and not the issue”. If you focus on the issue, which is a negative, it draws you to a negative state. It also diminishes your chance for success because you are simply exploring the issues and not the solutions.

Part of the solution is to develop virtues and skills to assist with your issues.

You already possess a basket full of virtues.

Maybe you just weren’t aware of it.

You’ve been using them your whole life. Some of them are a strength. Your foundation already exists.

As you incorporate each new virtue into your life, you will begin to feel little changes. As you master one, you will be able to develop another.

It’s motivating.

Invigorating.

Fulfilling.

Those changes will make you feel vibrant and alive. Maybe for the first time.

it’s not over until the fat lady sings

You are not finished with the task of gaining virtue until you have mastered them all.

An impossible task.

A constant cycle.

Learning from everything you see and everyone you meet.

It takes a lifetime.

A journey that should be savoured.

It ends when you are no longer alive.

Nothing to worry about until then, each day brings something.

Something new.

Something to look forward to.

Something to gain.

Something to learn about.

Something to enjoy.

the never ending list of virtues

There are many virtues. Hundreds in fact. So many wonderful skills to explore and savour.

Some are much more specific to your issues. You may want to start with some of the powerful healing virtues first.

To discover the virtues you need to help overcome your life obstacles will involve further investigation.

You need to research and understand what virtues, beliefs and values you already possess. You also need to pinpoint the anti-virtues getting in the way.

That’s your starting point.

We will open that door the next time. In the meantime, think about some of the things you want to change and some of the character traits you admire in people.

This week several circumstances beyond my control caused that feeling of anxiety to creep up.

Notice the “beyond my control” statement.

They were outside of anything I could do. Instead of focusing on the feeling the anxiety was causing me, I have learned to divert that attention and take action by looking after myself. I look for actions that I can take and choices I can make to resolve my anxiety.

I was not causing the anxiety but could take steps to make sure it didn’t control me! One of the best ways is to ask questions and follow the advice using the answer. The reason – to put everything in perspective.

10 questions to help reduce anxiety

1. What is causing me to feel this way? Write it down. This gives you the answer and could guide you to a solution. At least you can address the issue directly.
2. What exactly is this feeling? Again, write it down. Knowing what it is, makes it much more manageable and tangible. It puts a name to it, which gives you a clearer idea of what to address.
3. Has it actually happened? If it is just a “what if”, remember it is not true until it happens, the chances are more likely it will not happen. Sometimes we just put the thoughts in our mind but they don’t actually exist in reality. Anxiety is a perceived state that we project. Knowing this can help erradicate it.
4. Have I taken steps to make sure I relax? If you haven’t, make sure you are taking time to give your body the outlet it needs to resolve your anxiety.
5. What can I do to improve my sleep habits? Without sleep your body will not get the time it needs to rejuvenate. It will be difficult to eliminate your anxiety until you sleep properly. Change your routine, eliminate a few unimportant tasks and make the extra time to look after what your body is crying out for…sleep.
6. Is it time to change my diet (even temporarily) to reduce my stress? The food we eat contributes greatly to our depression, anxiety, stress and general health levels. But you know that don’t you. Now is a good time to consider an increase in healthy food habits.
7. Am I avoiding caffeine, nicotine and alcohol? Take extra care to eliminate these things. They directly contribute to poor health and stress. When your body is at it’s weakest, they will amplify the impact.
8. Do I need to do some exercise? This gives you oxygen and helps build your auto-immune system. Always a good answer to reduce your anxiety.
9. Is it time to clear my mind of all thoughts instead of focusing on them? Just asking this question out loud can force you to focus on clearing your mind, not filling it with thoughts that are causing it to stress. Take time to consider meditation or even a simple 3 minute breathing exercise where you shut your eyes and focus on nothing but breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.
10. Is a limiting belief prohibiting me from looking at this any other way? It’s possible that your body and mind has been trained to react to something. A belief can cause a great deal of stress and is often if changed, the stress is eliminated.

I asked some of those questions a couple days ago.

My stress level is still a little higher than I want but my anxiety has diminished to a point where I can get on with basic living. I’m not in pure survival mode following Maslow’s hierarchy of basic food, shelter and clothing.

I’m getting on with life and doing things that matter. Things like writing this blog post.

If you ask the right questions you can find the answers to reduce your stress and anxiety. There are many other techniques like Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) or learning a meditation technique similar to the one learnt when I went to my 11 day Vipassana Silent Retreat. We will explore some of these at a later date.

Meanwhile, ask yourself some questions to force the clear solutions to the forefront. Don’t focus on them. Just ask them and quickly answer them.

Today (now yesterday) started out to be a tough one.

My body still feels the after effects of long term depression. The stress and anxiety. The debt built up during a time when I couldn’t work.

There is a mystery behind my illness. It includes a chronic fatigue of unknown sources. It comes and goes. It does not always seem to be attached to diet or exercise. The doctors never find or give me a reason. The cumulative power of poor diet due to a limited budget, energy and exercise (along with the physical strain due to my illness) has paid it’s toll.

But, I’m a trooper. I am going to be healthy and in charge of my own destiny.

I had one of those headaches today. One of those, that make you feel like throwing up. A migraine. My body felt like jelly. My energy was low. I tried exercise and food to stave it off…but to no avail.

I’ve been trying to make sure I take care of myself. I’m very motivated to make sure I get something achieved each and every day of my life.

So, I took my own advice.

I had promised myself, starting in March I would start an exercise regiment and make it a permanent habit. My answer for this is the 100 push up challenge and the 200 squat challenge. I have done it before and it really works in only 6 weeks. Give it a go, it’s actually a nice gentle way to get back in shape and build good strong habits (with muscles to boot).

But that isn’t where I’m going with this.

I’ve mentioned before, if you are having a hard time getting motivated to get anything done…just try one thing.

Well…I did something different instead.

I rested.

I like to get a relatively early start on the day and try to make sure I am working by 8-9am after taking care of the other stuff. You know bathroom, teeth, exercise routine, putting on clothes, breakfast and oh, yeah, I love my coffee. Nice fresh organic coffee made in a french press. Yum.

So, after getting ready and starting work…I reassessed.

I decided it was smart to take care of myself and lay down for a power snooze at 11 am.

That helped a little bit but not enough, so I grabbed a bite to eat. That helped a bit more but I finally gave in and took an advil and had another nap.

Finally at around 2:30 I was up and feeling a bit better.

And than I took my advice.

Just get one thing done.

I had also made a commitment to myself to do 1 hour of social media every day of March, since I’ve been neglecting it over the last few months (really I was reassessing where and what I wanted to do). I’ve also dedicated Monday as my Social Media Day.

So I did it.

Well actually…I went crazy for a few hours and did just one thing. Social Media. For an hour. That lead to 3 hours. That lead to a great article on something that has been bothering me for a while…if you drop back to the site, it will probably be posted next week. I’m letting it simmer for the time being.

Than I wrote this article.

So following several pieces of my advice has really worked.

1. Take care of yourself first.
2. Stick with your commitments.
3. Just do one thing.

One thing, lead to another, which lead to another…and I had a really productive day.

You can too.

Just do one thing.

Keep at it.

Before you know it, you will start to be productive, happy, prosperous and healthy again.