dealing with holiday time pressure

13 Dec
2011

After a difficult November with limited access to Internet (our service had hardware difficulties and the lines had problems that took our telecom a month to fix), I was going to wind down with a Christmas wish and take the time to recharge over the holiday.

Every year I take a couple weeks and spend it with family and friends. Often I take on a little project or catch up on something that I haven’t spent much time on for the last little while but…I wanted to share with you some past articles that can help you deal with the many obstacles we are faced with all year round.

Christmas seems to amplify that. So before you grab your holiday six pack, here’s mine to help you with the holiday season:

50 ways to reduce holiday stress

8 tips on how to cope with christmas

simple reminders, a holiday checklist to reduce stress

how to cope with stress

trouble coping – treat yourself this christmas

dealing with difficult family members at christmas

Enjoy. Be safe and if you are struggling over the holiday time, take a moment to look at the many resources and articles available on this site. It’s designed to help you cope, I know first hand how hard every one of these things are to deal with and there are tools.

Support is available all the time to help you deal with the holiday pressure. Make sure you take the time to look after yourself too.

 

 

sometimes you need to step back

6 Dec
2011

Today the post will be short. Life has been running it’s course for me. Things outside of my control have been happening. For a month now, we have had almost no Internet access. Some equipment and line failures have stopped us dead in the water. I used the time to get some writing and organizing. I’ve prepared as much as I can for Christmas.

Was it frustrating? Sure.

I was on a real role in October. My focus was sharp. Motivation was high. Energy was as good as it’s been in ages. All that went downhill but I had several ways to look at it. I could let it get the better of me by reacting or I could take it for what it was.

A Learning Curve!

I’ve made Christmas arrangements and I’ve tried to practice being calm. There is no point worrying about stuff that might happen and in the opposite sense when it does, that’s when you practice with the tools you are learning to use.

That’s the way it works in the world. When you can learn to accept life as it comes, it will become easier. I practiced patience, tolerance and took the time to take care of lower priority but equally important tasks.

With Christmas on the horizon (less than 3 weeks) it’s now time for me to step back. I’ll refocus in the New Year.

Sure, there many things I would like to get done but they can wait. My health, my family, my friends, my life…it’s all more important. I’m tired from the last few weeks and I’m ready to take the time now…so over the next week I’ll be winding down, finishing my posts and taking a few weeks of well deserved rest and relaxation. 

Don’t worry! I’ll do a recap post next week on stress and dealing with the Christmas holiday. In the meantime, it’s late.

This all may seem like a bit of a rant but I want to remind each of you that sometimes you need to step back. Enough is enough. It’s time to do the things that matter. Take the rest you need. Stop the stress and take care of yourself. You only get one chance at it…make it a good one.

 

beat your depression: just try one thing

29 Nov
2011

I recently wrote about getting things done. Simplifying is one of the keys to a green life. There is a parallel to help cope with life obstacles. When you are having a difficult time there is a sense of overwhelm.

You lose clarity and focus.

Everything becomes difficult to achieve.

Making sense, all of a sudden becomes seemingly impossible. Something as simple as brushing your teeth can be the hardest thing ever. That’s something many people take for granted. The world around us seems unforgiving. Those that have not experienced it offer very little empathy or understanding.

Regardless, let’s forget about the rest of the world and focus on a more simple version of getting things done. Instead of applying it to work and lofty goals, we are going to use it to help gain some clarity and a sense of achievement.

Just do one thing.

That’s the advice. Do one thing every day. No matter how little it seems just achieve one thing.

When I hit the peak of each depression, typically it was difficult to do anything. I wanted to get out of the trap. Tying my shoelaces and washing was an apex for the day. When I decided that enough was enough I took matters into my own hands and started very small. I didn’t want to get overwhelmed again.

So instead of biting off more than you can chew, You don’t eat an elephant all at once…you take a tiny bite each day. Eventually you will be able to take snack size bites, sometimes more than one in a day. Soon you will add a whole meal.

Those little victories helped me overcome the darkness. They will help you too.

Just do one thing and then you can take care of the next thing.

possible difficulties for adopted children

22 Nov
2011

All children (and adults too) face a variety of hardships and problems. For adoptees, a variety of unique problems and possible social outcomes typically occur.

Experts argue on many results but some studies have shown emotional and mental behavioural problems are greatly increased for the adopted child. They do agree that almost all adopted children will have some kind of attachment issue and some difficulty connecting with people.

common emotional issues

There are common emotional issues many adopted children might face during their lifetime, partly because of the trauma of adoption.

Connection and affection is often difficult, especially toward caregivers and in relationships. An adoptee may even connect with a stranger instead of someone they know because it involves less emotional attachment. Emotion is something that frightens them and they may seem distant to the ones close to their heart. Relationships with peers and co-workers are often strained and demanding.

Adoptees may possess a low self-esteem and be extremely clingy or jealous. That’s because confidence is often lacking. Dealing with people, especially when they feel misunderstood or are having a difficult time verbalizing, may involve a fight for control. This is often in a passive aggressive style. So they might just be bossy or have a tendency to want to know everybody’s business.

They want to be in control.

behavioural difficulties

Other behavioural difficulties involve extreme anger and lack of ability to control their temper. This could invole acting impulsively but laying blame or behaving in an oppositional manner is not uncommon. Instead of thinking first, they might just react. There are ways to deal with anger.

It’s an attempt to protect themselves.

Consequences don’t matter, they are nothing compared to the turmoil they might be feeling.

It’s not surprising that lying, stealing, cruelty, disrespect, bad mouthing, early sexual behaviour, hoarding, possessive tendencies, carelessness, recklessnes, poor hygiene and abnormal eating habits are frequent. They need boundaries or else they will seek attention…any attention.

Sleep afflictions are very common including nightmares and insomnia. Bed wetting can also accompany the poor sleep habit. A fear to go to sleep can eventually lead to permanent insomnia or light sleep habits. This does have it’s advantages, with 24 hours in a day, when you sleep very little you can use the day to achieve and enjoy many things.

I’ve learned to appreciate stimulation and life that I get to live instead of “sleeping it away”.

With so much emotional strain, an adopted child is probably extreme when it comes to social behaviour. They either want excessive attention or are extremely anti-social. The child has lost trust in society and may lack the ability to believe in anything or anybody.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t end there. Development of skills can be severely stunted at important stages of a human life. A poor memory and difficult time learning is a result of emotional trauma. If a person is protecting themselves in a flight or fight manner when they should be learning and growing it is obvious that life skills are being lost.

Regaining skills and emotional ability later in life is much more difficult. It is likely they will be working on healing. Many adult adoptees are busy learning how to cope with life, instead of enjoying it. They lose the early foundation for work, relationship and happiness.

OK. That was a pretty vivid blurb. It seems a little bit lumped together.

I’m adopted. What I found interesting was all the talk about “experts and studies” and the mixed results. Yet all of them talk about the merits of the studies with out realizing that in all sample groups the issues adoptees struggle with occur much more frequently than the general population. The lists of issues are also very similar on every resource I reviewed.

Want to hear the kicker…I have struggled (or still do) with just about every issue mentioned in the above paragraphs. Fortunately my parents taught me to focus on integrity, so I constantly work on my virtues. My mantra is “do no harm” – believe me I know what it feels like to hurt, so I don’t want to harm.

If one addresses adoption issues and trauma, they may gain so much more insight, compassion and human understanding than the average person will ever reach.

We all make mistakes and all have issues. Regardless of if you are adopted, we all have the power to change, grow and develop into a person that we can be proud of. There is no easy button, we have choices. There are places and people that you can turn to. Help is available to create a life that offers happiness and prosperity. You just have to reach out for it.

Adopted people have a few extra hurdles to face early on, but the earlier you address them, the better your outlook becomes. I also think they have a greater chance of understanding the human condition!

Let me know your thoughts and experiences as an adoptee or with the people you know are adopted. What attributes do you see as predominant?

adoptive parents during the process of a child searching for a birth relative

15 Nov
2011

Many people forget about the adoptive parents during the process of a child searching for a birth relative. I know I did. In fact, come to think of it my parents were great for the whole thing.

But I’ve never asked how they felt. I’m sure it’s something that was difficult for them.

Some children never tell their adoptive parents they are doing a search or only tell them once the search has begun. That is a mistake and could cause potential suffering and unnecessary pain. Most adoptees are insecure about how the parents will feel. Notice I used the words parents. The people that raised you are (and always will be) your parents.

During your adoption search you need all the support you can get. Your parents may be hurt but their love will provide you with the support to meet your needs. It could draw you closer to them.

This doesn’t mean adoptive parents won’t feel anxious. They might even be angry or feel betrayed but eventually these feelings will be subside. They don’t want to see you get hurt and certainly don’t want any pain themselves. Pretty normal, don’t you think?

Your adopted parents have invested highly in your life, so their emotions and participation is pretty important. Put yourself in their shoes and act accordingly. Finding a sensitive approach to discover their feelings may be worth the time spent. In my case, the sister I grew up with (also adopted but from a different family) had already broken the ice, so my search was easier to discuss with them.

Time heals all wounds. For most things it does if you let it. Planning in advance can help create a smoother transition. Your parents will understand. If they stand in your way, they risk hurting you and impeding your relationship. That is the last thing they want.

It is a difficult choice.

The initial phase of telling them is the hardest, usually for the child but it’s generally uphill from that moment on. The support they can offer is precious.

The most difficult time for the parent will probably be during a reunion. Remember, they raised you. They love you. They deserve your attention. Try to include them in the process and never let them forget you love them and they will always be your parents.

trauma for the adopted child

8 Nov
2011

Trauma for an adopted child is quite common.

They have already been removed from at least one caregiver. Probably several. Nurses, birth mother, foster parents. It is common for a child to suffer post traumatic stress disorder and rejection, even prior to birth.

While some children have suffered a traumatic family situation before being adopted, the process of adoption in itself is enough change, stress and turmoil for anyone, let alone a child. Many adoptees will suffer nightmares, have tantrums, feel insecure, sleep improperly, be angry and seem distant.

Telling a child they are adopted can also creates issues, but it is important not to hide adoption from them. Even as infants, the body senses change. Adoption creates an extreme sense of loss and guilt (they lost a family member), leading not just in childhood but throughout their lifetime.

Grief and pain is involved. So is rejection. Someone didn’t want them. They may have no sense of belonging.

It’s hard to express yourself at the best of times. Imagine if you are a child. You have not learned how to verbalize your feelings. Acting out is one of many ways to achieve this. Any child will hold emotions inside until they learn how to behave. They need to feel secure first. They are unable to understand the implications of adoption, so they are certainly not able to master emotions.

How this is handled will contribute to their mental and emotional development.

The foundation of happy life.

Fear not…that’s what all people are faced with in life. It is just about recognizing the differences and treating each situation as a unique experience.

understand emotional stability

Trauma can influence the ability to learn normally. It will also effect emotional stability. Their brain chemistry is changing and abnormal brain growth can effect how it forms. This doesn’t mean the child (or as a an adult) lacks intelligence or emotional capacity but it does mean that it needs extra nurturing.

Trauma can also impair social development, since a child will often withdraw. This may cause them to get bullied (or vice versa) and have further problems communicating with peers. There is often anger and aggression. They have not had a bond from birth, so bonding with friends may be difficult. That could mean a disconnect in the form of emotions and empathy.

what can be done about trauma

Teaching a child to deal with loss, grief and anger is a first step to healing. There is magic bullet. As a parent you must first be aware of what has caused the trauma and empathize with this innocent child’s situation.

Only then can you start to work on healing.

  1. That process will involve recognizing triggers and causes, so when your child reacts you understand why and what is happening. Without that step you will be unable to prevent further trauma. Recognize the impact of trauma in you and you will see it in your child.
  2. A structured lifestyle, one that corrects bad behaviour is much more important and effective than demonstrating love.It is actually selfish and secondary to demonstrate your love. A child needs to feel stable first. Time will demonstrate your feelings.To be stable you have to feel rooted in your surroundings. That involves a consistent, reliable and rigid environment, which has to be created with care and purpose.
  3.  Incorrect behaviour is not acceptable. It should be dealt with first. As the child learns what to expect, they can then move on to develop other skills, including empathy and love.Try using the TIME OUT exercise to calm them down and let them focus on thinking about their actions.
  4. Communicate and verbalize feeling later
  5. Reduce stimulation – there is so much processing going on and extra material is too much strain
  6. Trying to get too close will often push them away. It scares most children. Thoughts of rejection are going through their mind. It’s already happened at least once.
  7. I shouldn’t have to say this but – never hit any child, but especially a traumatized one
  8. Always offer love and affection with dedicated face time at regular intervals during each day

There are many methods and support tools to help lay a foundation of love and stability. Perhaps you need to find a support group or work with a family specialist to build a healthy platform for your child’s development.

how can adopted adults learn to deal with the trauma

Many adopted adults suffer from trauma and ignore it. There is no need to put yourself through the pain. Learning to love and accept yourself and the people in this world is a great step to healing. Recognizing that you need to do that is the first step.

It is not likely that you will be able to do it alone. You are not alone in this world and if you don’t deal with the hard stuff it will get harder later. Please take the time to look around cope with life and read some articles that will help you find the solution you need. If you have a question, my ears are open and I would love to hear from you or read your comments.

Also, have a look at the great resources available to help you cope with life.

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